are blogs around because mostly it feels like there is no one around that we feel comfortable enough to talk to?

and yet there is this longing within everyone to be listened to, to be understood, to be heard.

this is where i find myself today. 

there are other reasons i have to create a blog - i want other people to hear what i hear... sometimes what i hear seems to me, to be poignant and profound.

but today... my reason for blogging is because it feels like there is no one i can talk to, no one i can trust, no one who could possibly understand. 

somedays i wonder what it would like to walk away from the all the choices and commitments i have made so far and start again... but thats not really what i want or need... and that certainly won't "make things better".  the grass ain't greener.

i only wonder this because i want to gain some contol over my life - a life which at the moment feels like its running away from me faster than i can keep up with.  control is an illusion and trying to gain it is futile... 

i listened to a mars hill podcast this morning about going through resurrection rather than resuscitation when something dies... resurrection creates something new and the old goes... resuscitation is bringing back to life what once was and nothing changes.

both resuscitation and resurrection involve a dieing off process, which is painful and hard - but only new life is found in resurrection, new life is not found in going back to where i once was...

is it possible that resurrection could happen in every circumstance...?  no, because ultimately circumstances "working out" for me isn't what resurrection is about - resurrection is an internal thing - living out the new life i have been given regardless of circumstance.

i long for that contentment and joy that transcends circumstance - i want to learn to live in it.  i don't want to be tossed by around by changes in the wind.