Treat em mean, keep em keen.... Really?

H comes to bed at 12:45am.  I feel un-prioritised, unconsidered.  I want him to want to be in bed with me earlier than this.  So I do not feel like being warm to him, close to him, touching him.

Then, because he went to bed super late, I got up earlier than I have every other day.  If he’s not going to come to bed early enough to have cuddles with me at night, why should I stay in bed long enough in the morning to have cuddles?

I guess if we both kept responding to each other like that, we’d get nowhere.  We’d only be trying to get one back on the other all the time. 

As H would say, someone has to stop the cycle.

My pushing him out, pushing him away is not going to bring him closer.  But for some deluded reason I actually act out on a belief that it will bring him closer!!! 

“Treat him mean, keep him keen”.  I was preached time and again that was the way to attract a man’s attention.  I think about that now, realising that’s been a philosophy I have actually believed in for MANY years and now it just seems very childish, illogical. 

If I am to fulfil our desire to be close with each other, I must act in a way that encourages intimacy.  It’s pretty simple really. 

Reflecting on my life, I think that stupid and foolish saying “Treat him mean, keep him keen” actually worked.  If I ignored men, pretended I wasn’t interested, it actually WOULD increase the likelihood of their chasing me.  And I guess because it seemed to work, I persisted.  And I still persist. 

Why has it taken me SO long to realise this is a belief that KILLS love and intimacy rather than encourage it?

Shut down.  Shut up.  Act nonchalant.

He’ll come after me.

Truth is.  If I really want intimacy with H, if I really want to love H – LOVE is the only response!  (Regardless of how rejected / superceded / overlooked I might feel!)

I think back again on the implications of this ingrained idea of mine – it meant I allowed myself to be at the mercy of so many guys…  my behaviour was dictated by their behaviour!

The one-nighters, the casual liaisons.  I spent so many hours and emotion on wondering “Will he call me?  Will he want me again?”  The relationships I was in.  I played this game with them too – if I saw distance, or their retreating from me, I would treat ‘em mean – that’s how I kept them interested in me. 

All in all – the philosophy was founded on this: they’ll find me more attractive if I am hard to get.  And when I am hard to get, they will chase me. 

And I like being chased, I like being pursued. 

Secretly, inside – my soul was dreading the inevitable conclusion to all these encounters with men being this:

“I am not worth being pursued.  I gave myself away for nothing”

I mourn that I would put myself in that position so many times, with so many guys – and not, learn.

Even now, as a Christian, a married woman, things have not changed.  Circumstances might have, but I haven’t.  Because I still dread that this may be true of H too

“I am not worth being pursued.  I gave myself away for nothing”

I think it’s a female desire – to be pursued.  Men do pursue woman – and H pursued and pursues me.  I think it’s good to desire pursuit. 

What’s not good is living in fear that the pursuit may end.

It’s time to realise the foolishness and childlike nature of this “Treat him mean, keep him keen” philosophy and grow up.

It’s easy to say that H is different, and not like those guys and so therefore should be treated differently.  And while that is true, I don’t think that’s the answer to change.  That would only be following the incorrect current reasoning I have which has me and my behaviour at the mercy of, and dependent on people – on guys.

Perhaps the answer lies in not focusing on guys and their response to me.  I cannot anticipate this – it’s unpredictable and not a solid foundation to base my life / hopes on.  I should not be waiting to find out how they treat me before choosing my response – this is acting in judgement.  And ultimately, these guys are not the authors of my worth.

Perhaps the answer is in my conviction / knowledge that I am pursued regardless of what is happening at any one moment or any one time.  I am pursued by an Almighty God, who runs after me each moment of every day. 

Perhaps the answer is in my conviction / knowledge that I am doing what is right no matter how I am treated by others.  Things can feel bad and unjust around me but my doing what is right provides the best opportunity to stop a vicious unloving cycle by choosing to love.

The outcome of that is unpredictable but I can’t wait to choose my response based on what that outcome might be.  That should not be and cannot be my foundation.

No matter what happens, I can rest in doing what is right.  What is holy.  What is loving.

“Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” is killing me and my relationships, NOT serving it.

It is my enemy, not my friend.

I think God wants me to love first, knowing acceptance from others is not essential…. rather than waiting to feel accepted before I can love.

Humility

dad impressed and challenged me this morning.

i've been using my parents car the last few days while one of ours is in the garage getting fixed.

this morning i picked dad up for breakfast. i got in the passenger side so that dad could drive me to the cafe.

even though i had just driven for 30 minutes to pick up dad, the car wouldn't start when dad turned the key. the engine just kept turning over. 

dad said it happened every now and again with that car... and with a bit of rest, it will start perfectly again... so we sat in the car waiting.

he tried to start the about 5 or so times with the same result.

then he said to me "why don't we swap seats and you have a go?".

i got in the drivers seat, turned the key and the car fired up like there was nothing wrong.

reflecting on this... it took a lot of humility for dad to leave the drivers seat and give his daughter a go.

i think i would struggle to pass up my place in the drivers seat - because i would just think "i can do this myself & i don't need help".  i wouldn't want to be shown up by someone else.  but that sort of attitude is full of pride.

dad showed me what it looks like to be humble, and god used it to gently convict me of my own pride...

i saw that the practise of humility was an endearing and attractive quality

dad's pretty much an inspiration

are blogs around because mostly it feels like there is no one around that we feel comfortable enough to talk to?

and yet there is this longing within everyone to be listened to, to be understood, to be heard.

this is where i find myself today. 

there are other reasons i have to create a blog - i want other people to hear what i hear... sometimes what i hear seems to me, to be poignant and profound.

but today... my reason for blogging is because it feels like there is no one i can talk to, no one i can trust, no one who could possibly understand. 

somedays i wonder what it would like to walk away from the all the choices and commitments i have made so far and start again... but thats not really what i want or need... and that certainly won't "make things better".  the grass ain't greener.

i only wonder this because i want to gain some contol over my life - a life which at the moment feels like its running away from me faster than i can keep up with.  control is an illusion and trying to gain it is futile... 

i listened to a mars hill podcast this morning about going through resurrection rather than resuscitation when something dies... resurrection creates something new and the old goes... resuscitation is bringing back to life what once was and nothing changes.

both resuscitation and resurrection involve a dieing off process, which is painful and hard - but only new life is found in resurrection, new life is not found in going back to where i once was...

is it possible that resurrection could happen in every circumstance...?  no, because ultimately circumstances "working out" for me isn't what resurrection is about - resurrection is an internal thing - living out the new life i have been given regardless of circumstance.

i long for that contentment and joy that transcends circumstance - i want to learn to live in it.  i don't want to be tossed by around by changes in the wind.